We meet Sarah (Sarai) in Genesis 11:29 and in verse 30 are told simply,
"[She] was barren; she had no children." In the Middle Eastern
culture, Sarah's dignity was directly tied to her being married and
having babies. Since she was childless, she would not have risked
staying behind without her husband, no matter how unsure she may
have been about Abraham asking her to leave Ur. There was nothing
but shame for Sarah in Ur without Abraham.
And conversely, there was nothing in Canaan for Abraham without
Sarah. It was out of Sarah's infertility that God would perform
one of His most awesome works the miraculous birth of a nation comprehension of the chew-' em-up-and-spit-' em-out reputation of
churches where ministers are concerned. Na'ivete is not always a bad
thing especially when knowing all the details could result in being
too fearful to take the leap into God's plan for your future.
But what part do you play in what God is asking your husband
to do? Has God called you in the same manner as him? My short
answer is to state plainly that every wife has the God-given role
of being a faithful helpmate no matter if her husband is a banker,
a mechanic, or a schoolteacher. However, there are unique challenges
and more assured uncertainties for the wife who has the
high charge of supporting a man directed to leave the familiar
behind and follow God's call into the unknown. What are some
of those challenges, and how should we who find ourselves in this
situation react? Let's learn from someone who has gone before usAbraham's
wife, Sarah.
Sign, Sign, Everywhere a Sign
Luke and I began to pray and seek God for what He wanted us to
do definitely a first in our married lives. I have no biblical basis for
what I am going to say next, but I believe God answers the prayers of
baby Christians with a shout instead of a whisper. God has taught us
how to discern Him more through prayer and His Word now, but in
those early days He had to throw up the flashing neon signs before
our own lightbulbs lit up.
The first two of those signs were named Al and Doyle. Both
of these men mentioned the name of Clear Creek Baptist Bible
College within two days of one another. Al had just returned from
a Constructors for Christ project, during which they had built new comprehension of the chew-' em-up-and-spit-' em-out reputation of
churches where ministers are concerned. Na'ivete is not always a bad
thing especially when knowing all the details could result in being
too fearful to take the leap into God's plan for your future.
But what part do you play in what God is asking your husband
to do? Has God called you in the same manner as him? My short
answer is to state plainly that every wife has the God-given role
of being a faithful helpmate no matter if her husband is a banker,
a mechanic, or a schoolteacher. However, there are unique challenges
and more assured uncertainties for the wife who has the
high charge of supporting a man directed to leave the familiar
behind and follow God's call into the unknown. What are some
of those challenges, and how should we who find ourselves in this
situation react? Let's learn from someone who has gone before usAbraham's
wife, Sarah.
do definitely a first in our married lives. I have no biblical basis for
what I am going to say next, but I believe God answers the prayers of
baby Christians with a shout instead of a whisper. God has taught us
how to discern Him more through prayer and His Word now, but in
those early days He had to throw up the flashing neon signs before
our own lightbulbs lit up.
The first two of those signs were named Al and Doyle. Both
of these men mentioned the name of Clear Creek Baptist Bible
College within two days of one another. Al had just returned from
a Constructors for Christ project, during which they had built new comprehension of the chew-' em-up-and-spit-' em-out reputation of
churches where ministers are concerned. Na'ivete is not always a bad
thing especially when knowing all the details could result in being
too fearful to take the leap into God's plan for your future.
But what part do you play in what God is asking your husband
to do? Has God called you in the same manner as him? My short
answer is to state plainly that every wife has the God-given role
of being a faithful helpmate no matter if her husband is a banker,
a mechanic, or a schoolteacher. However, there are unique challenges
and more assured uncertainties for the wife who has the
high charge of supporting a man directed to leave the familiar
behind and follow God's call into the unknown. What are some
of those challenges, and how should we who find ourselves in this
situation react? Let's learn from someone who has gone before usAbraham's
wife, Sarah.
A Match Made in Heaven?
My husband, Luke, and I married young. I was a mere eighteen and
he a strapping twenty-one. Can I just be honest and tell you there
were never two individuals any more needy or any less likely to be
serving behind a pulpit?
I always cringe when we run into old high school friends. The question of what we're doing now always comes up, and there is one response that we can count on when we share that Luke is a pastor after the laughter dies down, that is.
Luke, you are a preacher? And Lisa? You are a preacher's wifi?! Okay, joke's over. Now what are you really doing?" We would be offended if we weren't just as batHed.
I forgive our flabbergasted friends because I can't hold their excellent recall against them. They remember the dangerous combination of the wild boy and the bitter girl whose marriage was tumultuous at best. Surely, the future they envisioned for us was set in a divorce court rather than a sanctuary. They were within days of being absolutely correct.
There is no human reason why Luke and I should still be wed today, much less serving the body of Christ. Even though we were not yet believers, our union started off well enough. But we soon faced the heartbreaking yet all too common reality of many young couples: The stress of working different shifts, having more month than money, and living the separate lives that developed in the midst of it resulted in our parting ways and filing for divorce two short years after the ceremony.
I despised the not-yet-preacher, and the truth is I loathed myself as much as him. We had hurt each other in a million ways, and all I could think of was getting away and starting over. We were within a week of our divorce being final when one night I received a bizarre phone call from him. He told me he had started going to church again and wanted us to rethink what we were doing.
I went off the deep end! I spewed, "So you are turning into a religious fanatic and you think that is going to fix everything?" I was so full of hate and bitterness, and it still makes me blush to think of all the horrible things I said to him about his newfound religion. He continued, very patiently, to call and tell me he was asking God for a miracle as the clock ticked toward the day our marriage would be legally over.
One night during that critical week before the divorce was final, I had gone to bed, still convinced divorce was the only answer. For some reason, I woke up around two and the tears began to flow. I missed my husband so badly I could barely lie there. I remember thinking, "What is wrong with you? You cannot stand him! It's almost over, just hang in there." I realize now that voice was Satan's, bent on thwarting God's plan for us. If you ask me how I know prayer works or how I know God can turn a cold heart in to one that can feel love, laughter, and joy (Ezek. 11 : 19), I will point you to that night because it is the one that changed everything.
I called Luke the next day. One conversation led to another, and we called the lawyer to stop the divorce proceedings. I tentatively moved back home with Luke, and we began visiting churches. I was still not very thrilled about the "God thing," but I knew for some reason I wanted my husband back and this would play a part. Would it ever!
One night soon afterward, my hubby came to me in our living room and told me he had just prayed for salvation. He'd gone to church his whole life, but it was only at that time he truly accepted Christ as his Savior. I grew up in a totally different denomination, so this Baptist way of doing things was a little traumatic for me. I was glad for him, but I still wasn't so sure what that meant for me. For personal reasons, organized religion held no real appeal, so I was very afraid of how my husband's becoming so radically different was going to affect me and our life together. Seemingly out of the blue, I began having feelings of not being good enough for this new man, and shame over my own sin slowly entered my heart.
For me, salvation was not a lightning-bolt experience but rather an intellectual process at first. I needed to understand it. First Corinthians 1:18 says, "For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God." I know the Spirit of God enabled me to believe what I was hearing because obviously I could have still walked away a scoffer. We were attending my husband's childhood church, and the pastor became a dear friend and mentor to us both. He started a small group in his home, and I was able to ask all my questions in a very nonthreatening environment. That man was very patient with me as I asked everything from "What does conce saved, always saved' mean?" to ((When do you think the rapture will happen?" Sometime in the midst of those sessions, I realized I had already made a decision. That decision was for life both for Jesus Christ and until-death-do-us-part with my husband. I asked the Lord to ((officially" save me and soon afterward made that public in the body of people who had prayed so faithfully for us both.
If this had been the end of the story I would have been happilyever- after indeed. Little did I know our tale was only beginning.
I always cringe when we run into old high school friends. The question of what we're doing now always comes up, and there is one response that we can count on when we share that Luke is a pastor after the laughter dies down, that is.
Luke, you are a preacher? And Lisa? You are a preacher's wifi?! Okay, joke's over. Now what are you really doing?" We would be offended if we weren't just as batHed.
I forgive our flabbergasted friends because I can't hold their excellent recall against them. They remember the dangerous combination of the wild boy and the bitter girl whose marriage was tumultuous at best. Surely, the future they envisioned for us was set in a divorce court rather than a sanctuary. They were within days of being absolutely correct.
There is no human reason why Luke and I should still be wed today, much less serving the body of Christ. Even though we were not yet believers, our union started off well enough. But we soon faced the heartbreaking yet all too common reality of many young couples: The stress of working different shifts, having more month than money, and living the separate lives that developed in the midst of it resulted in our parting ways and filing for divorce two short years after the ceremony.
I despised the not-yet-preacher, and the truth is I loathed myself as much as him. We had hurt each other in a million ways, and all I could think of was getting away and starting over. We were within a week of our divorce being final when one night I received a bizarre phone call from him. He told me he had started going to church again and wanted us to rethink what we were doing.
I went off the deep end! I spewed, "So you are turning into a religious fanatic and you think that is going to fix everything?" I was so full of hate and bitterness, and it still makes me blush to think of all the horrible things I said to him about his newfound religion. He continued, very patiently, to call and tell me he was asking God for a miracle as the clock ticked toward the day our marriage would be legally over.
One night during that critical week before the divorce was final, I had gone to bed, still convinced divorce was the only answer. For some reason, I woke up around two and the tears began to flow. I missed my husband so badly I could barely lie there. I remember thinking, "What is wrong with you? You cannot stand him! It's almost over, just hang in there." I realize now that voice was Satan's, bent on thwarting God's plan for us. If you ask me how I know prayer works or how I know God can turn a cold heart in to one that can feel love, laughter, and joy (Ezek. 11 : 19), I will point you to that night because it is the one that changed everything.
I called Luke the next day. One conversation led to another, and we called the lawyer to stop the divorce proceedings. I tentatively moved back home with Luke, and we began visiting churches. I was still not very thrilled about the "God thing," but I knew for some reason I wanted my husband back and this would play a part. Would it ever!
One night soon afterward, my hubby came to me in our living room and told me he had just prayed for salvation. He'd gone to church his whole life, but it was only at that time he truly accepted Christ as his Savior. I grew up in a totally different denomination, so this Baptist way of doing things was a little traumatic for me. I was glad for him, but I still wasn't so sure what that meant for me. For personal reasons, organized religion held no real appeal, so I was very afraid of how my husband's becoming so radically different was going to affect me and our life together. Seemingly out of the blue, I began having feelings of not being good enough for this new man, and shame over my own sin slowly entered my heart.
For me, salvation was not a lightning-bolt experience but rather an intellectual process at first. I needed to understand it. First Corinthians 1:18 says, "For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God." I know the Spirit of God enabled me to believe what I was hearing because obviously I could have still walked away a scoffer. We were attending my husband's childhood church, and the pastor became a dear friend and mentor to us both. He started a small group in his home, and I was able to ask all my questions in a very nonthreatening environment. That man was very patient with me as I asked everything from "What does conce saved, always saved' mean?" to ((When do you think the rapture will happen?" Sometime in the midst of those sessions, I realized I had already made a decision. That decision was for life both for Jesus Christ and until-death-do-us-part with my husband. I asked the Lord to ((officially" save me and soon afterward made that public in the body of people who had prayed so faithfully for us both.
If this had been the end of the story I would have been happilyever- after indeed. Little did I know our tale was only beginning.
MY HusBAND's CALLING Is MY CALLING Too
I once had an interesting conversation with a woman whose husband
had enrolled in seminary to prepare for ministry. "He can take
classes all he wants, but I didn't sign up for the preacher's wife thing,"
she said. Since she didn't believe her husband would actually follow
through, she went on to tell me she planned on humoring him until
the day his calling affected her. And if that day ever came? Well, sh e'd
just cross that bridge when she came to it.
He is still in school. She is still in denial.
Around that same time I attended a pastors' wives conference
that included a panel discussion at the end. Lined across the stage, five women in different seasons of ministry shared the thing they
found most difficult about being married to a minister.
I'll never forget the response of the youngest woman. She was a
mom of toddlers and was obviously distressed. "The hardest thing for
me is everyone wanting a piece of my husband and not acknowledging
me in the least," she said. "I feel like the person in the background
who is only here to take care of the kids so he can be free to take care
of everyone else."
I was grieved by her raw response. All I wanted to do was wrap
my arms around that girl and assure her she had it all wrong. That
she was an integral part of her husband's ministry. That her calling
in that season was her children. That no amount of public success
possibly mattered if her heart and home were in shambles. The sad
thing is that I've met many more like her in the past fifteen years
during my own life as a minister's wife. If anything, this has intensified
my desire to embrace and encourage women whom God has
charged with supporting the men He has ordained to proclaim His Word.
The fact that I just typed that last sentence still baffies me. You
have no idea how surreal it is for me to be writing this book. There
are many of you reading who have been Christians as long as you
can remember and always knew you would marry a preacher. Many
more of you grew up as the child of a minister and swore you would
never marry one yourself, only to find yourself eating your words.
Some of you have pursued callings to various vocational ministries
and met your mate in college, seminary, etc. Some of you married
men who were already serving in the church. However, based on my
blog surveys, a lot of your serene lives were turned inside out when your husband experienced God's call to ministry some point after
you were married.
And then on the lunatic fringe are girls like me whose life and
marital background weren't exactly resume worthy.
had enrolled in seminary to prepare for ministry. "He can take
classes all he wants, but I didn't sign up for the preacher's wife thing,"
she said. Since she didn't believe her husband would actually follow
through, she went on to tell me she planned on humoring him until
the day his calling affected her. And if that day ever came? Well, sh e'd
just cross that bridge when she came to it.
He is still in school. She is still in denial.
Around that same time I attended a pastors' wives conference
that included a panel discussion at the end. Lined across the stage, five women in different seasons of ministry shared the thing they
found most difficult about being married to a minister.
I'll never forget the response of the youngest woman. She was a
mom of toddlers and was obviously distressed. "The hardest thing for
me is everyone wanting a piece of my husband and not acknowledging
me in the least," she said. "I feel like the person in the background
who is only here to take care of the kids so he can be free to take care
of everyone else."
I was grieved by her raw response. All I wanted to do was wrap
my arms around that girl and assure her she had it all wrong. That
she was an integral part of her husband's ministry. That her calling
in that season was her children. That no amount of public success
possibly mattered if her heart and home were in shambles. The sad
thing is that I've met many more like her in the past fifteen years
during my own life as a minister's wife. If anything, this has intensified
my desire to embrace and encourage women whom God has
charged with supporting the men He has ordained to proclaim His Word.
The fact that I just typed that last sentence still baffies me. You
have no idea how surreal it is for me to be writing this book. There
are many of you reading who have been Christians as long as you
can remember and always knew you would marry a preacher. Many
more of you grew up as the child of a minister and swore you would
never marry one yourself, only to find yourself eating your words.
Some of you have pursued callings to various vocational ministries
and met your mate in college, seminary, etc. Some of you married
men who were already serving in the church. However, based on my
blog surveys, a lot of your serene lives were turned inside out when your husband experienced God's call to ministry some point after
you were married.
And then on the lunatic fringe are girls like me whose life and
marital background weren't exactly resume worthy.
In addition to addressing these topics and more
In addition to addressing these topics and more, this book will
also give you insight from other ministry wives who understand the
delights and difficulties you face. One of the things we tend to lack
most is a "safe" friendship where we can pour our hearts out without
the fear of repercussion to someone walking our same road. Near the
end of each chapter, you will find a "Round Table," which contains
advice and comments from other women serving alongside their
husbands in capacities ranging from the senior pastorate to music
ministry to evangelism. These are excerpts from conversations on
my blog, The Preacher's Wife (www.APreachersWife.com), where
I invite you to visit for fresh, relevant discussions on ministry and
other fun topics. The end of this book includes several computer
links and resources to help you further explore the online community
and camaraderie available.
Our worldwide locations and denominations influence our role "tides." Whether you are the preacher's wife, the pastor's wife, the vicar's wife, or the wife of a man serving in some other area of ministry, I want you to hear my heart when I tell you I've prayed diligently for you during the writing of this book. I've asked God to show me Scripture that will guide you through the many common complexities we share. I've asked Him to reveal His heart to you and that the experiences I share will resonate with your own. I've begged Him to let this book be one that will give you righteous confidence in the leadership role He has given you in your home and church.
By sharing what I've learned as the wife of a minister, I hope to save you from the pitfalls I've experienced. To spare you a few years of trial and error in relating to those you serve, to guard you from a few heartaches, and to let you know you are not alone. To convince you that your unique gifts and personality can translate into one fantastic pastor's wife whether or not you are an outgoing hostess, your flower beds are weeded, or you and the kids are on time for Sunday school. I pray with all my heart that you know these chapters overflow with a deep affection for those of you who are married to the ministry.
Our worldwide locations and denominations influence our role "tides." Whether you are the preacher's wife, the pastor's wife, the vicar's wife, or the wife of a man serving in some other area of ministry, I want you to hear my heart when I tell you I've prayed diligently for you during the writing of this book. I've asked God to show me Scripture that will guide you through the many common complexities we share. I've asked Him to reveal His heart to you and that the experiences I share will resonate with your own. I've begged Him to let this book be one that will give you righteous confidence in the leadership role He has given you in your home and church.
By sharing what I've learned as the wife of a minister, I hope to save you from the pitfalls I've experienced. To spare you a few years of trial and error in relating to those you serve, to guard you from a few heartaches, and to let you know you are not alone. To convince you that your unique gifts and personality can translate into one fantastic pastor's wife whether or not you are an outgoing hostess, your flower beds are weeded, or you and the kids are on time for Sunday school. I pray with all my heart that you know these chapters overflow with a deep affection for those of you who are married to the ministry.
God is calling you to do what?
Such was my reaction fifteen years ago when my husband, Luke,
told me he felt God was leading him into the gospel ministry. Even
though I supported him wholeheartedly, I naively believed this calling
was somehow just his gig. My job was simply to accompany him
while he did his "thing."
Reality didn't hit until a wellmeaning gentleman enlightened me on the expectations of a minister's wife. He said, "The best thing you can do for Luke is learn how to play the piano. He'll have a much easier time being called as a pastor of a church. Congregations love it when the pastor's wife can contribute. It's like they are getting two for one!" If I knew then what I know now, I would have had a serious fight with the flesh to keep from sharing my thoughts on the buy-one-get-one-free concept.
The restraint of the Holy Spirit is a beautiful thing. Before that moment, it truly had not entered my mind that anyone would expect anything of me, or that my lack of musical talent could affect my husband's ((success" in ministry. I thought of my childhood pastor's wife, a grim-faced woman whose hair was piled high in a bun. Polyester skirts and sensible shoes were her standard uniform. And, yes, she played the piano. Was this the person I must become in order for God to use our family in ministry?
Talk about an Extreme Makeover!
We moved to Kentucky so Luke could attend Bible college. The first thing I did was to begin comparing myself to every woman on campus who no doubt was doing the exact same thing. The question we were all asking ourselves? ((What in the world does a preacher's wife do?" Our husbands were getting an education on how to become ministers while we were left to wonder how we figured into the equation. I found my answer in an overzealous, pharisaic overhaul of the externals. I began wearing clothes I wouldn't have been caught dead in before mostly suited for three times my twenty-two years of age. I tamed my '80s hair. I calmed my type A personality by yielding in conversation and becoming more reserved. I baked casseroles for every surgery and every baby born. The word that guided my reinvention was Martha. Not the Martha of Scripture, mind you, but Martha Stewart. (Now that I think of it, there isn't much difference, is there?)
It also did not help that the books I read about being a ministry wife only reinforced my insecurities. The advice ranged from how to brew a perfect cup of tea for a ladies' luncheon to how to organize a large staff when hosting a dinner party. According to these books, I was to be gracious at all times, keep a spotless home, and have welldressed, obedient children. I'm certainly not criticizing these noble aspirations, but even before children I was completely overwhelmed at this picture of perfection. I don't agree with the busyness of our culture, yet there is no use in denying I often fall prey to its trappings.
The truth is, I am a wife and mother deep in the trenches. The only tea I brew is Lipton. And staff? Are you kidding me? If I ever have a workforce at my disposal, they will be too busy doing laundry to prepare a dinner for the deacons. And where do I begin with the kids? Someone please tell me what to do with a child who sneaks his Halloween costume under his clothes, strips off in the bathroom, and shakes hands as Spiderman during the greeting song when he is supposed to be in children's church. Susanna Wesley would definitely not approve.
Reality didn't hit until a wellmeaning gentleman enlightened me on the expectations of a minister's wife. He said, "The best thing you can do for Luke is learn how to play the piano. He'll have a much easier time being called as a pastor of a church. Congregations love it when the pastor's wife can contribute. It's like they are getting two for one!" If I knew then what I know now, I would have had a serious fight with the flesh to keep from sharing my thoughts on the buy-one-get-one-free concept.
The restraint of the Holy Spirit is a beautiful thing. Before that moment, it truly had not entered my mind that anyone would expect anything of me, or that my lack of musical talent could affect my husband's ((success" in ministry. I thought of my childhood pastor's wife, a grim-faced woman whose hair was piled high in a bun. Polyester skirts and sensible shoes were her standard uniform. And, yes, she played the piano. Was this the person I must become in order for God to use our family in ministry?
Talk about an Extreme Makeover!
We moved to Kentucky so Luke could attend Bible college. The first thing I did was to begin comparing myself to every woman on campus who no doubt was doing the exact same thing. The question we were all asking ourselves? ((What in the world does a preacher's wife do?" Our husbands were getting an education on how to become ministers while we were left to wonder how we figured into the equation. I found my answer in an overzealous, pharisaic overhaul of the externals. I began wearing clothes I wouldn't have been caught dead in before mostly suited for three times my twenty-two years of age. I tamed my '80s hair. I calmed my type A personality by yielding in conversation and becoming more reserved. I baked casseroles for every surgery and every baby born. The word that guided my reinvention was Martha. Not the Martha of Scripture, mind you, but Martha Stewart. (Now that I think of it, there isn't much difference, is there?)
It also did not help that the books I read about being a ministry wife only reinforced my insecurities. The advice ranged from how to brew a perfect cup of tea for a ladies' luncheon to how to organize a large staff when hosting a dinner party. According to these books, I was to be gracious at all times, keep a spotless home, and have welldressed, obedient children. I'm certainly not criticizing these noble aspirations, but even before children I was completely overwhelmed at this picture of perfection. I don't agree with the busyness of our culture, yet there is no use in denying I often fall prey to its trappings.
The truth is, I am a wife and mother deep in the trenches. The only tea I brew is Lipton. And staff? Are you kidding me? If I ever have a workforce at my disposal, they will be too busy doing laundry to prepare a dinner for the deacons. And where do I begin with the kids? Someone please tell me what to do with a child who sneaks his Halloween costume under his clothes, strips off in the bathroom, and shakes hands as Spiderman during the greeting song when he is supposed to be in children's church. Susanna Wesley would definitely not approve.
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